Fresh off the Press Blog Posts

Assasin's Creed

Oh those stubborn core beliefs

I wake up, dreading the day ahead of me.  I dread how poor my relationshp with Quran has gotten.  I dread the feelings of idleness of free time, coupled with my core belief of always having to “do”. The despair that has infected my heart towards Islam is crazy.  I struggle with holding on to […]


The “Hope Float”

The past couple months, I have been dealing with major spiritual depression.  I’ve fallen into some of the most strangest and severe despair traps , depressions, and irrationality I have ever experienced.  Such irrationality that I continue to get stuck in as the days go by.  And the strangest thing is, the cycle repeats every […]


Your God Given Spirit

Go ahead and sin.  Go ahead and make mistakes.  Go ahead and fall short.  Go ahead and do things that are not allowed.  But whatever you do, don’t do what I did.  Don’t give up on who you are.  Don’t despair over your soul.  Over your God given spirit.  Your true self, your true personality, […]


Productive Pain – Unproductive Pain

I bounce between productive pain and unproductive pain from day to day.  This has been happening for at least a month.  When I am in unproductive pain, I feel terrible.  Because it is directed to the wrong source. When my pain is directed to the proper source, man oh man do I feel relieved.  Yes, […]

red pill blue pill

The Despair Hope Effect

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم Today again, I fell into one of the most miserable, severe despairs I have ever before experienced.  This despair, for those who have been following, is primarily spiritual, in my relationship with God and the Quran, and studies. I experienced today some of the most irrational emotions ever.  I was so […]

caution waves

From Deadly Depression to Empowerment

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم A while ago, but I probably hit a record low for my low mood meter.  I felt the most dehabilitating depression I have ever experienced today.  This was in the morning, after suffeirng with  dehabilitating despair feelings from last night that was completely messing up my salah and prayers.  Despair left right and […]


The Hope-Despair Phenomenon

I have talked about despair here, and there, and everywhere. Now, let me talk to you again about despair, and struggling to climb out of it. In my current efforts to try to get out of these spiritual and emotional depression issues I’m facing with, with, like my “conditional acceptance” and “not being good enough.” […]


Punishment Paranoia

One of the most difficult issues I’m dealing with at the moment is with the doctrine of judgment and punishment as is found in the Quran.  It has completely paralyzed me from living a normal life.  I have become so inwardly focused that I seem to be unable to socialize or function normally in life. […]


Emotional Poison

I have poisoned my heart in despair.  Poison the likes of which I have never tasted before ever. Its goes something like this…. I was guided to Islam by Allah and blessed with a love for studying, memorizing Quran, learning Arabic etc.  I felt the iman rush and immediately did everything for my religion.  I […]


Why I struggle to trust Allah

This morning, after a solid full nights rest, I get up, feeling severe feelings that I’m not good enough.  I didn’t pray witr.  Or I’m going to be praying at home, and the fajr prayer is going on and I can hear it.  I had this severe paranoia as I tried to pray fajr because […]

self esteem void

The Driving Force of the Self Esteem Void

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم   Big Post Title, I know.  I have a small audio clip for you.  Listen for 2 minutes.  Here is the ayah for reference. اقْتُلُوا يُوسُفَ أَوِ اطْرَحُوهُ أَرْضًا يَخْلُ لَكُمْ وَجْهُ أَبِيكُمْ وَتَكُونُوا مِن بَعْدِهِ قَوْمًا صَالِحِينَ12:9 Kill Yusuf, or dispel him in some distant land, so your father’s face […]