This is the burning question my scrupulosity asks me. This is the source of my agony. “Would Allah ever punish me?” That’s the source of all the anxiety, despair, paranoia, and even anger and resentment. “Is it possible that the most compassionate Rabb, the source of pleasure, peace, love, and care, the protecting friend, is it possible that He too may reject me? The ultimate rejection, in the hellfire?
This crux of an issue is responsible for closing off my heart and losing trust, and lost faith problems. The issue of ultimate rejection. This is what plagues me night and day, and fuels my OCD. The negative emotions get so severe it feels like your iman is completely gone. and your heart filled with a whole other set of evil emotions.
Today, after meddling with these unhealthy ideas yet another day, I go to pray jumua, in my despaired / anxious state of possibly not being accepted and rejected in hell.
We recited in the prayer Surah Ma’un, talking about characteristics of those who disbelieve. And in the prayer, because I feel my heart having sunken to such lows in faith, have become completely weary of my faith. And these “reminders” become tortures and sources of anxiety and despair.
الذين هم عن صلاتهم ساهون
Those who are careless with their prayer.
Those who, those who…….
This didnt’ bring me peace like it should. further awful emotion. I talked to my friend, where we talked about the purpose of kafir characteristics and hellfire.
He basically was saying that the hellfire is a great deterrent for us out of mercy. Like a teacher telling his students, to follow these rules, and not break these rules. And warning them, and they still engage in it. And continue to warn them, and they still engage in it. Until finally, it happens where the teacher is like, “this student is so stubborn! He just doesn’t seem to listen, and then you finally let him do what he wants, and he ends up failing.
My friend considers it a mercy, that he is providing instructions and pointing out the flaws that need to be worked on. Like if he has a characteristic of a hypocrite, like lying for example, it gives him an opportunity to work on something for self improvement. It’s nothing more than that for him.
I sit there and look at him, with my despairing soul, just observing and not understanding why it’s so easy to just be like that, compared to me, suffering with obsession and condemnation paralysis in my faith. When I look at characteristics mentioned in the Quran, my immediate reaction is, “he is condemning me, he is calling me this, he is saying I’m in the hellfire now. And then the despair and paranoia come next.
In the end, my friend gave me the idea, to just consider the punishments and characteristics coming from somebody who cares about you, who just wants to help you avoid bad things, and stay far away from those bad things. “Easier said than done.” I feel.
This idea that Allah may punish me, under any circumstances is really a hurtful and traumatizing conclusion to have. because it makes life miserable, and disabling. Please stay away from it, and consider Allah a friend. Do real friends want to burn you and make you suffer? Does a real friend who cares want to condemn you and frighten you to terrorize you and make you lose sleep at night? Does a real friend want to secretly write down every little thing you do , so he can screw you over and use everything you did, whether intentionally or unintentionally against you? Does a true friend want to make you feel panick attacks about missing a prayer? و لله مثل الأعلى
And Allah says he is our friend.
الله ولي الذين آمنوا