One of the major issues I deal with as a perfectionist is admitting to and dealing with shortcomings and weaknesses I have. I am terrified of admitting to and letting anybody know about my weaknesses, even my ownself. I have always wanted to forget about them, and to push them away and to pretend they’re not there. Why? Because of the hidden amount of pain they cause me. How worthless they make me feel.
In particular, dealing with my weaknesses in iman is the hardest thing to face. Because it has to do with Allah and Islam, I take it very seriously. “I cannot have any weaknesses in iman.” When somebody mentions that this is a sign of weakness of iman, it makes me so paranoid and despairing I don’t want to hear it. This is all internal and I engage in these behaviors so quickly that it took time to realize this.
In my latest, paranoia that “I don’t believe” it came about when I started feeling doubts about Al-Raaziq and how Allah is the one who provided us with everything we have, our entire life. To make a long story short, I was feeling doubts about this, and I was trying so hard to think and pray and eliminate my doubts about this. Getitng ocd about reading about this name of Allah, thinking why I have doubts, etc. It was devastating me that as a student of knowledge and a practicing muslim. I want nothing more than to perfect my iman and tawakkul. And to have complete certainty in Islam. `it is my dream of dreams.
But thinking about my weaknesses in faith makes me despair so much, which is another problem and issue with iman.
So basically, digging down deeper, my perfectionism is at work here. I always believed I was unacceptable, for many reasons. One major reason is because I have weaknesses. MANY WEAKNESSES. MANY SHORTCOMINGS. I just as a perfectionist conditioned myself to cover them all up, and deny they were there, even if it meant denying who I am as a person.
Anyways, the doubts lead me to the ever so trap of “I Don’t Really Believe.” An idea that always makes me despair and want to give up, a thought that makes me want to run AWAY from Allah and to shut off my heart as my defense mechanism. And it consistently ups my stress and anxiety, and makes me feel worse and keeps my anxiety disorder flourishing. It is one thing that I often lose control over. I don’t control this anxiety and I let it blow up out of proportion, often times until the anxiety is so dehabilitating that I can no longer function, become sick, and must lie down, and have no choice but to stop buying into it.
So today, in the midst of dealing with my weaknesses of faith crisis, as I open up the Quran to read, I come across a beautiful ayah that filled my eyes with tears, and brought solace and hope to my heart. Let me share it with you here.
And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and the human being was created weak. 4:23
I’m not saying I’ve mastered this yet. I will probably again falter and feel I am worthless because of my iman weaknesses. Why can’t I hope to get better at it though?