For so many years, I have been struggling in trying to figure out why is it I can’t benefit and love the Quran like all the shiukh ways talk about. They love it and always narrate stories of people who are so addicted to it, and can’t put it down.
Trying to figure it out and wonder why I can’t get that same benefit consistently was really bothering me.
What is wrong with me? I’m doing everything that I can to get closer to Allah, avoiding the major sins, avoiding bidahs, following the sunnah, and the obligations. Praying all the prayers, reading and memorizing Quran. I’m learning Arabic, and people around me say I am the “ideal picture perfect muslim.”
Why is it I’m having trouble feeling moved by the Quran? Why can’t I get addicted to it like so many people are? What on earth is the matter?
These issues were slowly bothering me more and more, and it became more and more of a problem. I want to taste the miracle of the Quran too, like all the other people who are always going on and on about it.
This issue is not a minor one. It is one filled with complexity, and requires alot of introspection and reflection.
But in a nutshell, I would say the answer lies in our own perception of Allah. What are our emotions towards our Rabb? How do we view Him? What do we think about Him? How much do we feel a desire to meet Him? How much good do we think about Him? Do we think He cares about us or do we think He’s out to punish us for our sins? How well do we know Him? How much emotoinal love do we have in our hearts for Him?
This is the crux of the issue, as I have personally experienced.
It all goes back to childhood, when our “enemy disguised as a hidden friend or conscious” got us to believe that nobody cares about us, and nobody finds us worthy or lovable. When we fully accepted the idea that nobody really respects, or cares about us, or finds us valuable the way we are, not even our parents, then does it only make sense that we find it is hard for us to believe that we have a Rabb who cares about us?
It is a very tightly knit connection between us believing Allah is our Rabb, and our own damaging beliefs that nobody cares about us.
All I gotta say about that is, WATCH OUT FOR SHAITAN, WATCH OUT FOR THE DEVIL. WATCH OUT, that he can leverage this belief to make you an atheist. May Allah protect us all.
Anyhow, learning the Quran is very important, but I am now realizing the hard way, that learning who Allah is, is first and foremost more important, then learn the quran and feel your connection to Allah increase, and feel your love for the Quran increase.