The heart is an ocean. Or an iceberg. Oftentimes we are only aware of the tip. Yet there is a whole lot more going on beneath the surface.
I am suffering with ocd. It is incredibly hard to break the obsessions and compulsions, yet I recognize how illogical they are.
Take for instance, my ocd about wasting time. Why do I obsess over wasting time and doing something productive?
Beneath, locked up, stuck inside my heart are such deep pains and sadness and feelings of worthlessness that I have always tried to cover up by trying to accomplish something.
Or when I go to the grocery store, I don’t want to buy oranges, and prefer apples, not because I like apples better, but because oranges will take more time to peel and prepare, and that is a waste of time.
Or I am so reluctant to go to the gym and constantly am watchful of how much time I am taking. I almost am itching to get out. Why? because it is preventing me from ‘accomplishing something’ and “being productive.”
For the longest time, I have just dealt with these obsessions and compulsions. But as time passes, I’m getting to the heart of the matter, (both literally and symbolically).
The pain of the heart is still there. It doesn’t go away until you deal with it. Those intense feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough and not meeting expectations. It’s so painful that I learned to push it away and just do anything to not allow myself to feel those emotions again. At the time, I thought ignoring the feelings and dong things to prevent those feelings from coming was the answer. But bandaging a scar doesn’t make the scar go away. It needs to be channeled in the correct way.
I only complain of my deep hurt and my sadness to Allah. 12:86