Deep down, rooted in our hearts since we were children, we believed that we are unacceptable for some reason or another. Through the years, it became the root of our stress which led to our anxiety condition we face with today.
One of my major ocd’s surrounds wasting time and doing something productive. It changes and I have compulsions changing depending on what I’m focused on or I perceive to be a “productive task”. It could be reading and learning a lot. It often is making money through an online business. Or it could even having good blog ideas. It could be cooking consistently and keeping the house clean. And when my heart feels something is “productive” I become super ocd to focus on that task and make sure I don’t waste any time that may jeopardize what will make me “productive.” There is underlying anxiety and this major compulsion to always be productive and accomplishing something useful or valuable.
On the flip side of the coin, when I do get a chance to accomplish something or feel that I’ve done something, I get this over stressful reaction that is not very pleasant, it’s like a false sense of satisfaction, covered in stressful feelings. It’s like a false sense of accomplishment, and I don’t feel relaxed or at ease. It’s just trying to satiate the compulsions which will never be satiated until it is pulled out at the root.
So when I am not able to do my “productive task”, I feel sad and worthless. And when I am engaged in my productive task, I have the stressful compulsions that I’m somebody now. Both are stressful and uncomfortable.
I was thinking today about how Iblis, the granddaddy of evil, used a similar argument to justify his superiority.
قال أنا خير منه خلقتني من نار و خلقته من طين
He said, “I am better than him, you created me from fire, and you created him from clay.” 38:76
Shaitan believes he is better because of something that was given to him, namely his own creation. And we believe we are bad because of some flaw we have in us, or because of something we don’t have. But if we were to have that flaw removed, or have that something we don’t possess, doesn’t that mean that we would fall into the same trap that Iblis himself fell into? I would be good if I was strong, if I knew a lot, if I had lots of friends, if I didnt mess up so much, if I talked very confidently, if I was pretty, if I was skinier, etc. etc. etc. I’m bad and worthless because I am not strong enough…….. It sounds to me that both sides of the coin are a lose-lose situation. It sounds to me that both sides of the coin are traps of the devil. It seems like there must be another way to find that true self esteem and value for who we are.
What makes us who we are? What makes us special? How can we feel acceptable? Everyday I’m trying to apply the correct answer and internalize the answers to these questions. As the days pass, it is becoming apparent that these external things do not make me good or bad, although my heart still loves to latch on to those old ideas it’s been accustomed to for so many years.