I’m happy I’m sad. Really? Seriously? How might that be, you may ask?
I have an anxiety disorder. Most of the time, I am feeling anxious and I don’t even know why. I am finding myself worrying when there’s nothing to worry about. That’s what anxiety disorders are all about, aren’t they……..
Well, as I am trying to explore myself, what I am feeling and thinking about deep down inside, slowly through a lot of alone time, to reflect, think, ponder about what it is I’m afraid about and why it is I’m so afraid, a lot of stuff gets revealed slowly as time progresses. Time passes by, and I learn more and more about myself and what gets me nervous and anxious.
And I’m finally starting to make some progress. And some of that progress is that I’m starting to feel sad.
There is a lot of sadness and hurt locked up inside my heart. Hurt and pain that I had locked away so many years ago, and some memories I totally forgot about. The only remnants that is apparent is the fact I have anxiety.
What I make of this, is that way back when, as a child, when I was bullied, the comments and actions of most of the people around me hurt me big time. It hurt me extremely badly, and the feelings were painful. These traumatic experiences were taken to heart, and not knowing how to deal with it, I had to cover up the painful feelings somehow and do anything in my power to avoid being the object of ridicule and disrespect. But those words stayed with me, in my heart. This reminds me of an Arabic expression,
رب قول أشد من صول
Perhaps a word is more severe then an assault. (arabic sayings)
So as I try to unlock the bolts that I have placed on my heart, to try to cover up the pain and hurt of years ago, the pain never went away. It was only covered by my coping mechanisms of trying to do things perfectly, not messing up, being extra cautious about what I do and say, and how I say stuff, etc. Basically, anything that I perceived to be the cause of people putting me down and disrespecting me, I took note of it and was desperate to avoid that thing.
And then now I’m here with these anxieties, disconnected from my heart, and the root problems of pain and hurt which I covered up are still there lodged inside my heart.
But now I’m trying to overcome anxiety disorder, and get in touch with my heart, and free it up, so I can be open with myself, and be open with my Lord. Then I hope to be able to reach the cores and depths of the heart, where the pain and hurt is lodged, to where those old emotional memories that made me feel so deficient can be brought back into the conscious, to where my heart can finally understand the truth and the reality of the situation. Because how will I be able to believe what is correct about myself, if there are layers and layers of emotional pain and anxiety and coping mechanisms blocking any ability for my heart to truly comprehend the truth and reality?
This my friends, brothers and sisters, is a new way to look at CBT. It could be considered as redefining CBT. I am begin to strongly believe that repeating affirmations a set number of times just may not quite be the solution to believe something new.
When I am putting my efforts to connect with my heart, and I finally do feel pain and hurts becoming clear that were hidden deep inside me, it may become easier to see why I’m happy I’m sad. It is a type of relief to feel more authentic with your self, and what you truly feel, after you were completely unaware. And believe it or not, it is a type of stress relief to really dig deep into your heart and soul, and to reveal what are those things that you are truly afraid of, and what you have locked up deep within.