I fell into another Despair Dungeon after fajr. أعوذ بالله
Despair like I said before is one of the fastest ways to massacre your iman and seal up your heart. I tasted the agony again when I got stuck on an ayah feling condemned by Allah, feeling he is on the verge of rejecting me.
لَمْ تَرَ أَنَّ اللَّهَ خَلَقَ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالأَرْضَ بِالْحَقِّ إِنْ يَشَأْ يُذْهِبْكُمْ وَيَأْتِ بِخَلْقٍ جَدِيدٍ ( 19 ) وَمَا ذَلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ بِعَزِيزٍ ( 20 )
Have you not seen that Allah created the heavens and the earth in truth? If He wills, He can do away with you and produce a new creation. That isnt too difficult for Allah. 14:19-20
So I red the tafsir of ibn kathir and saadi. The primary understanding is that he has capability to do away with the way we are created and come with another version of us, which will be done on judgment day, which makes sense in the context.
The other understanding mentioned is Allah is addressing people, tellling them, “if you dont stop doing evil and wrong then he has the ability to replace you with another creation that wont do what you are doing.” Basically a psychological actic to get humans to stop their evil ways and corrupting.
I by this time fell into despair from the constant bombardment and misunderstandings. And the emotions werent pretty. I literally felt like rejecting the ayat and felt that all the stories were just “old fairy tales”. أعوذ بالله I lost my sleep and had no choice but to read Quran. I then became drowsy and slept.
Upon waking, I was reminded again about the evil effects of despair. You lose iman life and shaitan kills you with his ideas. You cant add any more despair to your despair cauldron.
You just cant. Even if shaitan is making you feel it. Resist the urge.
I had a nice time praying feeling khushu,
I was reading quran just fine feeling healthy connection and tranquility, then something awful and bizzarre happened.
I felt some hesitation emotionally in accepting an ayah, so I decided to pause, reflect and make my heart accept.
أَلَمْ يَرَوْا إِلَى الطَّيْرِ مُسَخَّرَاتٍ فِي جَوِّ السَّمَاءِ مَا يُمْسِكُهُنَّ إِلَّا اللَّهُ
Havent they seen the bird
It felt like my heart wasnt at ease with this ayah. I had feelings of doubt on this, and wanted to reach certainty and conviction of faith. So I went outside looking for some birds to look at. “Show me some birds!”
Well there werent too many, so I decided to look at some photos on pinterest.
I was just observing them trying to use my heart to see them as clear signs of God.
But the more I looked and reflected, the worse I felt. I felt despair feelings coming in. After about 30 mins of looking at these pics, the feelings were all about me and my life given to me. The life that caused me to lose my soul and feel worthless. I felt severe anger, resentment and despair to Allah for the life I had lived losing myself.
I prayed asr and it was simply awful. Despair filled void of connection.
I sat there perplexed, thinking how was I ever able to feel iman if I have such deep resentments in my heart to God?
I tried to turn to my surah yusuf and I my feelings were numb not feeling anything. Its like my heart couldn’t accept the clear teachings and signs I had sedn so many countless times. “WHATS WRONG WITH THIS HEART OF MINE? WHY IS IT SO STUBBORN? ”
I just couldn’t understand why my emotions got like this when just yesterday I felt the surah curing my self esteem issues. I was scratching my head trying to understand how these emotions work.
Then I realized it was probably just jinn influence of my emotions. It seems to be the only logical assesment of this complete abnormal and erratic state with completely unpredictable emotional reactions.
I was feeling severe heart palpitations and disconnect at maghrib, but by this time I realized the jinn influence so I wasnt too freaked out.
Tarawih was very constricted. Chest extremely tight and uncomfortable. I felt like quitting. I felt alot of pressure. It felt hard to focus and believe in the ayst. But this is a test exactly like was promised in Quran. . I had evil urges to reject Allah and Quran feeling this way. It was a crappy state to be in.
I woke up at tahajjud time in a completely exhausted state. I felt I needed 36 more hours of sleep. I was trying to keep my balance when walking and thought I wouldnt be able to pray. But then the insomnia already kicked in. And I would have regreted missing prayer, without even getting any rest.
I had pretty decent feeling of khushu in tahajjud despite my exhaustion. It took away my exhaustion and felt better. But felt severe despair feelings at dua time, where I simply just focused on not despairing.
I really am amazed at my emotional state. It turns on and off like magic. And in a matter of minutes.
How amazingly normal I was feeling at suhoor time. I was socializing and enjoying eating talking laughing and enjoying talking. As if I never had anxiety or jinn problem ever. I was just feeling natural and normal without any stress. It was mystifying. And felt amazing to feel that sense of normalcy. Kind of like when I first started practicing Islam I felt no anxiety and was a happy sociable person.