بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
I fell into the severe lows of my depression yesterday, after having so much progress and motivtion, that the pain associated with success and mommy crept in till it took over. Then I had this severe emotional low, complete loss of motivation. I was barely able to get up to even pray, because of the depression.
I had been functioning off of about 3 hrs of sleep the past few days, and with the lows, it just caught up, and I crashed for about 10 hours, from about 10:30 pm till 8:30. I was still exhausted and feeling the lows when I got up. The type of lows where you just can’t drag yourself out of bed.
Then I reluctantly made wudu, and prayed my fajr prayer. It was close to 9 a.m. I wasn’t feeling up to going out and doing my normal routine of driving, working, and then going to Panera or Starbucks to do my AWS studies. The lows of the depression were too much.
Then I just quietly and humbly started reciting in prayer Surah Yusuf, and before that Surah Fatiha of course.
In Surah Fatiha, I had a touching emotional release of my heart, in الرحمن الرحيم مالك يوم الدين. The Most Loving and Compassionate, followed by, “The Owner of Judgement Day.” This combination hit me and caused some tears to come out. Love, AND Justice. My True God is Loving AND FAIR. Something so missing from the relationship with my mom. My soul’s pain came out in tears, feeling that “she was so loving, but so unfair. My emotional hurts and wounds speaking out to me.
Then came the Surah Yusuf message again. As I stood there, having a destroyed soul ripped apart from depression. I don’t want anything at this point, except to feel better, to feel the depression pains go away, and to feel grateful and happy in my life. Forget everything else.
The message was clear again. Like it has been hundreds and hundreds of times.
و الشمس و القمر رأيتهم لي ساجدين؟
The sun and the moon are showing respect to me?!? To lil old me?!?! That is the point of my story of growing up and living with self esteem issues, then developing dehabiliting depression?
And the message was clear, and heart touching, emoting tears from the stubborn depression. Tears that cure the soul from depression. The message explaining that you had a caretaker in your life, that had self esteem problems herself. That she thought that she can take care of and protect me and love me the best.
ما لك لاتأمنا…. و إنا له لناصحون….. و إنا له لحافظون
But her complete unawareness of her own issues, makes her understand things in her own way, in a state of ignorance and unawareness.
قالوا لإن أكله الذئب و نحن عصبة إنا إذا الخاسرون
And then realizing it in the depths of my heart, with more tears about the message Allalh is trying to convey here, that it was her who in reality that caused you to wind up in this low state of self esteem problems, depression etc.
فلما ذهبوا به و أجمعوا أن يجعلوه في غيابة الجب.
And then I couldn’t go on, because of this unintentional injustice that happened to me, that things will work out, and everything will be made clear. And you will be in a position of health and strength and emotional control, that you will one day tell her the details of all that happened to me, because of her own issues and how she raised me in the formative years of my life, and in general the relationship between mom and son.
و أوحينا إليه لتنبأنهم بأمرهم هذا و هم لا يشعرون
A glimpse into the future and point of all of this depression nonsense.
How she never admits she has a problem, and puts on an act that she is perfect and has no issues whatsoever. And that everything is 100% perfect. Superwoman on this earth. But behind closed doors, is a different picture.
و جاءوا أباهم عشاء أن يبكون
Then after realizing all of her issues and all the nonsense that completely will confuse an innocent boy who is trying to understand life and develop their personality and interests, All of these disguised and hidden quirks in her personality, just wants to make you say from the depths of your soul:
بل سولت لكم أنفسكم أمرا فصبر جميل والله المستعان على ما تصفون
You completely have conjured up all of this nonsense about your understanding. And to all your viewpoints about life, about how life should be, about how things should be done, about your philosophies and “life experiences” and “knowledge”, well to all of that:
والله المستعان على ما تصفون
Allah is the complete helper and refuge from everything that you describe…….