I’m racing and feeling the uncontrollable compulsions to quickly finish my shopping before they close the shops for maghrib prayer. Is there some meeting or business or pressing work I have to get done at home, that I’m rushing? Nope. It’s just gotta be done. The shopping simply MUST be done and I gotta rush.
Oh no. I can’t remember where the store was, and time is counting down till maghrib!
This wasted time being lost of losing the store might delay my chances of getting out before maghrib. And then the time at the store will be delayed and we will still be lingering around the shops close to isha time. I just simply gotta figure out a way to get out of here before maghrib. Maybe forget the shopping and come back later. Maybe I just won’t buy everything that I wanted today, and come back another day.
This was my dialogue in my mind today. Stressing with the Compulsion to get out. I knew it wasn’t logical, but yet I felt the urges very strongly, and they were very hard to dismiss.
What is at the root though? Why is there always an uneasiness with myself that this perfectionistic mentality is so ingrained? What if I don’t accomplish what I set off on doing?
Digging deeper and deeper to your core, your soul, doing a little soul searching, or a lot, and insha’Allah the true root cause can be uprooted.
In prayer, standing in front of Al-Rahman, My Caretaker, the stresses are eased. Why and how you ask? By believing what should be believed about my Lord. That He is there to care about me, to approve of me, to nourish and look after my needs, both physical and emotional.
What feelings came out? That deep deep covered up feeling of hurt and worthlessness inside, the feeling that I have to always overcompensate to be worth it. I can’t just BE as I am. That idea was rejected before I reached the age of 8. I have years of baggage concealing this that I forgot and continue to forget.
But the completely awesome and amazing thing is, that with Allah, your and my Rabb, you can get your deep wounds in your heart healed. You can finally get some unconditional acceptance and approval and a sense of belonging and love and care, and all those things that are not just “feel good feelings”, NO! NAY! Rather, they are absolute necessities for us as humans to live a normal productive life as flourishing human beings. You and I have never really experienced that in it’s full capacity, so it’s hard to envision. But yes, when those voids and wounds are healed in the heart, then we can move on with our lives insha’Allah, fulfilling our purposes on this earth.