بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
There was nothing more beloved to me than to leave the party tonight, filled with hurt and pain, and to sit on the bathroom floor and to allow myself to feel my hurt in the depth of my heart. To explore and feel truly what is bothering me, instead of always just forced to ignore it, and focus on whats around me at the expense of myself.
When I went upstairs, and laid down in the kid’s bedroom of a family friend’s house I have never been to before, my heart and soul knew that this is right. This is the only way to deal with this depression of my heart. This is the only way to truly resolve my hurt. To allow myself to feel it completely, no holds bar, exactly what is bothering me, no matter how deep it is. Otherwise, the wounds keep hurting and begging for attention, begging to be addressed. They are my wounds, my heart’s pain, and nobody can heal them except for my own authenticity with myself. No matter how old they are, how severe they have become, they are the wounds of my true self, a self that has been hurt so badly, albeit unintentionally, by a well intentioned, excessively loving and overprotective mother with her own fair share of emotional trauma and issues.
But as I laid on the bed, overhearing the laughing and socializing going on downstairs, and thought to my state, and how different my life experience is these days with severe depression and ocd, once tasting the sweetness of iman, and faith, and the truth, being taught the divine secrets of emotional problems through revelation, I knew that there was nothing else in the world more beloved to me, than what I was doing at that moment. No other act I could see myself doing that is better for my heart and life than just to lie there, alone, in isolation, to allow myself to experience the true color of my depression pain. To understand it, to learn the depths of it, to see how deep the wounds are, and what exactly the wounds are. Because there is no other option. There is no other choice. There is no other way to restore peace to my heart and live in my authentic true self, in a state of praise, gratitude, and worship than to do what I was doing in that moment. To follow the legacy of my father, Ya’qoob عليه السلام.
وتولى عنهم و قال يا أسفا على يوسف وابيضت عيناه من الحزن فهو كظيم
And he turned away from them, and cried out…… and his eyes become blinded in whiteness from tears, because he was a suppressor of emotion.
I felt a slight tear come out, and some softening of the depression pains, where I felt; even though it was for a little while, a reduction of the depression, where my outlook felt more normal and I was able to socalizae normally and feel more at bay the rest of the night.