بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Catchy title, huh? If you have been following some of my posts, you probably wouldn’t expect to find a post like this from me, especially in recent times. Why, even if you asked me this morning about this same topic, you would find a different response from me. But when God puts light inside your heart as a mercy, (which he will do for you) then you can see things clearly.
The Quran is supposed to be a Rahmah (mercy / care / compassion) for muslims. Well the amount of stress I had been suffering with the Quran and depression towards it had reached indescribable levels. Even until this morning like I mentioned, I woke up, with this severe paranoia to read, feeling all day long ocd thoughts that, “God will punish me.” And then feeling severe anxieties on any sin or anything wrong. It was agony to say the least.
But then as I felt that my days are numbered, with the amount of disabling stress, agony, and doubts in my heart and mind, shedding years off my life, I sat down with my family at our favorite restaurant, “Fire Grill” . Instead of enjoying the company and appreciating family like I sometimes did after suffering in solitude all day, I end up topping up my scrupulosity stresses with some old classic social anxiety stresses, of “having something to say” “doing something wrong,” “having someone say no to my opinion” “not caring about me if it’s not done for me.” etc. Feeling these repetitive feelings on hyperdrive, not feeling any control or energy to control them, I just walk out and home, ready to just crash and sleep my stresses away.
I felt too much stress from this social anxiety, and I felt so stressed out already by the stress of God “wanting to punish”. Feeling like I have lost it all.
Then something sort of “clicked.” It was this social anxiety so severe that wanted me to taste again the true feeling of that healthy fear and khashiyah of Allah and the akhirah that I had experienced in the past. That majestic, noble feeling of awe that squashes and belittles the feelings of anxiety, especially social anxieties and other measly anxieties that causes nothing but agony, stress, and damage to your mind, body, and spirit. This is what I realized that I really needed after experiencing this disabling social anxiety experience.
And then as I read, my heart was opened to feeling those soothing feelings of solace, found in the healthy fear of God. I started feeling the solemn, calming feelings created by the gift of god consciousness, and khashiya. These feelings that quell the social anxieties, makes you feel conscious and aware of something much more noble and grand.
I was feeling and experiencing these amazing feelings throughout maghrib and isha as well, and I found myself reading Quran, feeling almost normal with those beautiful feelings I used to experience that made me fall in love with Islam and Allah to begin with. But even with this, my depression has built up for so long, and it will take time to subside. I also am concerned that this may be a fleeing thing and then tomorrow i wind up back to the depression dungeon. But opening my heart to feeling fear, is really an amazing antidote to stress, both in relieving my terrible spiritual depression that kills faith and ruins your sense of peace, as well as quelling the age old social anxieties and other anxieties of the world, that have taken such tolls on our bodies, minds, and souls.
A lot of the irrationality disappeared, my irrational views and paranoias about various things like the state of nonmuslims, or sins in general. I was feeling rational, well, and able to navigate the world wide web feeling relatively normal, a blessing worth thanking God for. My normal worldview coming back into place. This is the normalcy that comes with a healthier opinion of God. Even feeling some desire to study some of the Islamic sciences that I used to study.
The Rahmah of Allah in talking about punishment is not to make us feel that he is a punisher and he is out to punish. The purpose is opposite that, and much nobler. It is all there to make us feel relaxed and GOOD in our hearts and minds, believe it or not The purpose of the quran is to relax our hearts emotionally.
ألا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب
Indeed, with the remembrance of God will the hearts become tranquil.
With these punishments, it’s designed to give us a sense of awe and fear, that makes us feel GOOD, not anxious, stressed, and feeling despair of the Rahmah of Allah. the biggest trap leading to the worst depression and unhappiness. But if you just let your heart feel fear of it, with Allah’s permission, these good feelings that quell the anxiety can reign supreme. It’s part of our servitude to God that we experience all the emotions of love, hope and fear, and direct it towards him, giving us a whole emotional state that is connected to God. A fear that motivates, feels good, makes you humbled and in awe, not angry, anxious, depressed, despairing, and stressed out, like it has potential to do, with shaitanic influence and wrong understandings of the purpose of instilling fear in our hearts by God.
Shaitan makes fear awful, anxious, and stressful
Allah makes fear, noble, feel-good, and awe inspiring, and humbling.
It’s a world of difference.