It’s hard to believe how much emotion can be hidden inside your heart. It’s hard to believe how easy it is to suppress painful feelings so deeply in the heart and completely forget about those traumatic events. It’s even harder to realise that no matter how much you try to suppress or forget about painful events, the pain will never go away properly until you are honest with yourself and your emotions; until you are honest with what really is in your heart.
Allah says in the Quran:
وما أمروا إلا ليعبدوا الله مخلصين له الدين حنفاء
They were not commanded to do anything except to be devoted to Allah sincerely in religion, inclined purely towards Him. 98:5
In our quest to become completely dedicated and sincere to Allah, we have to reconnect with your hearts, and give our hearts completely over to Allah in love, dedication, attachment, yearning, and awe. But how is this possible when we ourselves have forgotten much of the emotions stuck in our hearts? How is it possible when we don’t even know why the way we feel, and we have become used to pushing away and suppressing what we feel because, “we shouldn’t be feeling this way….”?
As I’m going through my counselling sessions, I’m learning that there is so much I’ve forgotten about my past that I’ve suppressed. All that remains are emotions of compulsions, anxiety, anger, or sadness, or the like.
One event was when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, my family was having dinner at Pizza Hut. I was sitting in the side chair, and when the waiters brought the water to the table, I by mistake spilled my glass of water, and it fell on my lap and on the table. My reaction however was bizarre. I got so scared, and so worried, that I got super anxious, and put my hands together like I was praying and begging for mercy. I didn’t want my parents to not get upset with what I did. I was murmuring mere utterances of nonsense just expressing my severe fear of disapproval from my parents for what I did. My parents looked at me with a puzzled look, as if they’re wondering why I’m reacting like that. They said it’s no problem.
Anyways, my counsellor mentioned about this event, that it’s likely that there must have been many events even before this, that caused me to react the way I reacted. That is, there are incidents I had with interacting with my parents, which I’ve completely forgotten about. That’s the only explanation for reacting in such a fearful, anxious way for something that a normal kid wouldn’t think anything of.
So the name of the game is to emotionally attach our hearts to Al-Rahman. And in order to do that, we have to get to the bottom of our hearts, and bring out everything that is hidden inside and bring it out to the open. Then we release our emotions to our Caretaker, and we start seeing the beautiful effects of purification of the heart.