In Islam, there is a balance of hope and fear. hope for paradise, and fear of hellfire. And the classical scholars mentioned that this should be in balance pretty much consistently.
Okay, so I took this and shaitan took me to such deep abyss’s that I finally now am realizing what the issue is. The super high anxiety and scrupulosity I developed was first and foremost, due to my low self esteem and issues with not feeling acceptable.
Now all the paranoia and ocd in islam I had and am recovering from, was based on the idea of “fear of hellfire”. But I had to take a solid reevaluation of my beliefs on this topic. Because everything in Islam was getting stressful for me, and the quran was too stressful for me as well.
The truth of my “fear of Allah” was not really the fear called for in Islam. Fear of Allah is referred to as Khouf and Khashiyah. These emotions are positive and increase your iman and humbleness and solemness and they feel good.
What I had and am in the process of removing is not a fear of Allah, but an ANXIETY OF ALLAH. And we all can safely admit that anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. It is not something that makes you want to continue in the activity. And reading the Quran who would want to read the Quran when they feel anxiety and stress? That for sure is not the emotion called for.
Anxiety basically is feeling that something bad will happen to you. And when this is transferred to Allah and the Day of Judgment, basically it is a feeling that something bad will happen to you on the day. To feel that you won’t be treated fairly. To feel that you’re judgment won’t be fair. To feel that you will be called into account very rigorously and will be nitpicked for every small and minor thing you’ve done. To feel that people are thrown into hellfire for trivial reasons. To feel that Allah wants to and is interested in punishing people.
This was the truth of my feelings towards the Day of Judgment. Corrupted by shaitan’s tricks, and my past experiences with anxiety of being judged and treated unfairly.
But as part of the tasbeeh process, which is ascribing perfection to Allah t’ala, Allah is completely free of injustice 110%.
إن الله لا يظلم مثقال ذرة
Indeed, Allah does not do injustice, [even] as much as an atom’s weight 4:40
And fearing that you will be treated the least bit unfairly on the Day of Justice is also against the Islamic texts. A very important principle:
لا ظلم اليوم
No injustice today…. 40:17
So the task at hand is to no longer fear being treated unjustly by Allah. He is the most fair and kind. And a scholar mentioned that they would prefer to be judged by Allah over their own mothers, because Allah is more compassionate than their mothers. What a beautiful concept of Allah to have. May Allah make that our concept of Him.
So in conclusion, Anxiety of Allah doesn’t exist. True Khashiyah of Allah exists, Taqwa and Khouf exist. and once you taste that, you will not be complaining about how you feel. You will feel serene humbled and in awe of our Creator and the Last Day.