When I am looking at my questions, the thoughts that come to mind are: “I wrote all this myself, and I don’t even remember. How am I going to retain all this information? How can I solidify it so I know it 100%? How many times do I have to go back till it’s solid? I may not remember all this.” All this raises my anxiety. But I have to think why? to get to the bottom of it.
From my self examination, I recalled that growing up, I was always ridiculed for being “clueless.” For “not knowing.” If I didn’t know something, and others did, I was the “dumb one”,the “stupid one.” The one that gets the jokes and laughter. The negative center of attention. The one to who everybody says: “You idiot, how did you not know that?” I learned that when I was younger, if I don’t know something, I am considered stupid and will be called out by others.Then college came around, and I started taking ritolin for energy problems, thinking I had ADD. Well when I took it, I was able to focus so well, and I started excelling in my classes, getting straight A’s in difficult engineering classes. I finally found something that I was good at; studying and being smart. Knowing stuff felt good to me. It made me stand out and give me something that maybe others would finally respect me with. So my confidence soared as I learned and knew information. And I was happy with where I was as a person. And I would take pride in the fact that I was a hard studier, and I could get things if I worked at it.
Then after marriage, when my social anxiety manifested itself fully, big problems started occurring. My short term memory was shot! I couldn’t remember stuff like I used to. And this was a disaster because I am the person who I am because of studying. Someone who studies and remembers info, and is smart. But if that is taken away from me, then what? What am I going to do if I can’t remember things? If my recall potential is shot and taken away? Will I be that same pathetic loser who is always made of fun of by friends and acquaintences, wherever he goes?
This brief background I believe to be the root of why I get so nervous and pressured if I don’t know something, or can’t remember or fear I won’t be able to recall this information. It unfortunately may be a reason why I am so motivated to study. A motivation fueled by fear of negative critisicm and rejection from others. This becomes problematic when applied to studying religion, because studying religion is an act of worship that is done only for God. And it is supposed to be done sincerely for God alone, and not for alterior motives.
The awareness is there, which is a big step, but the next step is how to get rid of it? That is the challenge that I and others like myself face. I’m always open to ideas from the readers. The comments are open for the making.
اللهما اني أسألك قلبا خالصا و أن تطهر قلبي من كل أنواع المرض