An important self worth question. As I am still struggling with this jinn dilemma, I oftentimes get shot down with the feelings of worthlessness in an uncountable number of situations.
In the latest installment of my “episodes of worthlessness,” I was talking to my dad in the morning, and noticed how he is always so cheery and always has good conversation and keeps the atmosphere light hearted. Not to mention he is more than twice the age of me, and has more energy and zeal for life. He flew to chicago to see his sick mother in the hospital and was having “medical dialogue” with the nurse at the hospital.
It brought back those memories of me always standing in my parents shadows, as we went to doctors conferences and drug company dinners watching them mingle and socialize so “perfectly”. As I was hearing my dad talk, it stirred up feelings of disabling worthlessness, making a comparison with myself. There he was, twice my age, more energy and vitality, working well, staying fit, dressed well, smile on his face, excited about life, and here I was, no job, sitting at home in saudi arabia, no social life, no idea about what I like to do or my interests, no passion for studying islam or quran with the jinn issue, etc……
So it exhausted me and i went back to sleep, and then woke up late and felt more worthless because i’m doing nothing productive in my life I felt.
And of course, trying to simply “do something” still keeps me feeling worthless, because I have always felt like if I can accomplish something, then I am worth something.
So anyways, I remembered to how I was given lessons about self esteem from surah yusuf, and that what makes me who I am is that I have a Rabb, a Creator. The fact that I was created by someone great, every single part of me, my entire essence, my soul, my preferences, my personality, and my physical, spiritual, and mental self, it was all created by a superpower, that right there speaks volumes about who I am. Allah makes me who I am, both literally and metaphorically.
So I took this sentiment to my prayers of asr, maghrib and isha, and my salah were filled with bliss, it filled the void and the agony of the jinn problem bothering me constantly. They were beautiful, stress relieving, enjoyable, relieving, blissful experiences. That part of my heart submitting and recognizing it’s Creator making me who I am. It would be amazing to let this sink in completely and feel like I did all the time. May Allah make that a reality soon for all of us.