Why did today happen? Emotionally I’m talking about. Why did I have such severe, ridiculous, dehabiliting depression? Why did I have to suffer the ENTIRE time, driving back from Baton Rouge, for 11 hours, from 12 p.m. to 10:30. With severe severe, hurt, engulfing of the heart, heart, throbbing, jolting, severe pain, getting lit on fire by anything and everything.
Why did I feel so awful, that to even think about praying zhuhr and asr, was making me feel sick and feeling like fainting with this severe depression, hurt that it was never good enough for mom?
Why am I suffering with this severe ailment of heart and soul, now, after having such an amazing 8 years of practicing din? That I have to accept the fact that prayer weakens me. Because when I face Allah, I face my soul and self, and that soul and self is engulfed and caked with hurt the likes of which I never knew existed?
I don’t understand why today happened Why am I tested with such a severe affliction of my heart, the only thing that is important for a person to take care of? “It’s the inside that counts.” And Allah doesn’t look at our externals, but he looks at our hearts. And asking Allah to not make a calamity in our religion, and 100% sure that this full blown crazy depression is 110% a complete calamity in religion. And as the sheikhs say, “As long as you have Allah, you have everything. But if you lost Allah, you lost everything?” Why have I lost Allah and suffer with severe deadly depression? And I can’t get it back? And I can’t find peace in my life, let alone peace in my religion, that I have to just feel a heart that is completely in hurt, turmoil, agony every waking second of the day? Why I ask? What’s the good in this? What’s the use of when hearing the word, “insha’Allah” and seeing the beautiful sun, the hurt of my heart and soul comes out, and reminds me of my pain, inside me, that “why was I never good enough for mom?” Why does this pain remain all day, and it’s hard, oh so incredibly hard for it to subside and turn into sadness and a deep desire to let it out in flowing tears?
Why is it that I have to ask myself in the mirror, “What’s the point of all this, if I can’t be enslaved to Allah?” That my heart is enslaved to pain from the past, and it seems near impossible to shake off?
I prayed when I got home, maghrib, and recited the only thing that has ever emotionally moved me regarding this issue,
لقد كان في يوسف و إخوته آيات للسائلين….
In Yusuf and the Brothers, are plenty of clear answers and indicators for those who wonder, “why me?”
Then the 2nd rakat:
و كذلك مكنا ليوسف في الأرض يتبوئ منها حيث يشاء. نصيب برحمتنا من نشاء و لا نضيع أجر المحسنين…..
And that is precisely how we established Yusuf in his place of authority, doing as he pleases. We show our compassion to whoever we will, and we don’t waste the efforts of the good doers…..
But I still ask why, after having been moved with a heart shaken positively affected by prayer, that I suffer endlessly with a heart caked with hurt and pain, and a loss of connection with myself and my creator.